Wedded Bliss: Things for you and your fiancé to consider before tying the knot

Weddings are a lot of fun.  I, personally love everything having to do with weddings-the dress, the cake, the decorations, the invitations, all of it!  But what comes after the wedding is so much more important.  The marriage is the lasting product of the wedding and I have come up with some things to consider before you get married.  Marriage is, as they say, a lot of work.  But if you and your spouse-to-be discuss these things and are on the same page with most of them, you will have a head start to wedded bliss.  

1. Finances- Couples fight about money quite a bit.  Some things to work out between the two of you:

  a. How will you deal with finances?  Will everything be 50/50?  Will you have a joint bank account or separate?  Would you just ask him for money when you need to buy something or take money from your own income?  Will you consider all of your combined income to be both of yours or is what he brings in his and what you bring in yours?

  b. How will you pay bills?  Will you sit down periodically together and write checks from your joint bank account to pay bills or will one person be in charge of paying bills?

  c. Shopping, groceries, etc.- if you need groceries, who will do the shopping? Will grocery money come from a joint bank account or somewhere else?    If you just go to the mall to purchase a new outfit, who will pay for this?--money from a joint account, your own personal account, or what?  What will be the limit you can spend without consulting one another?  $100?  More?  Less?

2. Sex-There's a reason comedians and other people joke about not having sex after they get married.  The newlywed phase is nice but after can be vastly different.  

  a. Will you start to resent your spouse if you feel like you aren't having sex enough?  And how will you handle that?  Will your spouse resent you if the reverse is true?  Here's a hypothetical to get you thinking: What if you feel like only one of you controls your sex life?  For example, the only time you have sex is when your spouse initiates it (which isn't a lot, let's say) and whenever you try to initiate it, your spouse isn't in the mood.  This leaves you feeling hurt and rejected.  How would you handle these circumstances?  

  b. What if your spouse wants to do something you're not comfortable with or just don't like?  How do you approach this scenario? 

  c. What if you rarely climax when you and your spouse are intimate?  How would you talk to your spouse about this without being hurtful?  Would you be comfortable telling him/her what you like?

3. Kids

  a. Do you both feel the same way in terms of wanting kids or not?  What do you do if one person changes their mind? Are you in agreement as to about how many kids you'd like to have?

  b. What if after getting married you found out you couldn't have children?  How would you handle this and how do you anticipate him handling this news? 

 What if it is him who can't have any kids?  How would you tackle this situation?  If you stayed with him and never had any children, do you think you'd resent him, even a little?  How could you avoid this?

  c.  Parenting and discipline - Were you both parented and disciplined similarly?  Would you want to discipline your kids the same way you were or change up some things?  Are you in agreement about parenting/discipline styles?  What if  you think he's too hard on the children but he thinks your a pushover?  What would you do?

4. Each other's families- 

  a. Do your parents and his parents get along with one another?

If your spouse disagreed with something your family member did or said, but you agreed with your family member, how would you handle that?

  b. Say you and your spouse were in a financial crisis and needed to move in with either your parents or your in laws.  Would you all be comfortable in this situation? What would you do if your spouse got into an argument with your mom or dad?  

5. Your plans, goals, and dreams-

What do you do for a living?  Does your spouse support you in your career and with all your goals and aspirations?

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My advice, two cents, etc.

1. Try not to go into marriage with too many expectations.  Almost always, when we expect our marriage will be a certain way, we are disappointed when it doesn't work out the way we'd planned and this can lead to resentment towards our spouse.

2. People do dumb things!  I mean, we are human!  Just pick your battles with your spouse.  If you point out every time he does something you don't like, you could constantly be nagging him and this is never good for marriage.  If your spouse does something annoying but trivial, it may be best to just let it go.

3. When you have an argument, try to fight "fair".  Fair fighting involves the following:

-No yelling

-No name calling

-Never bring the kids or others into it 

-No "kitchen sinking"(This means bringing up everything but the kitchen sink.  If you fought about him drinking too much one night a month ago, don't bring that up again in a later fight.  That's over and done with.

-Absolutely no physical fighting

-Try and see it from your spouse's perspective.  Do they make some valid arguments?

-Hear the other person out and try not to interrupt.

-If one of you needs to cool down, let the other person know you need to leave the room.  However, your discussion needs to reconvene within one hour.  Cooling down is fine but avoiding the argument won't solve the problem and you can be sure it will rear its ugly head again.

So, think about your compatibility with one another and how you'll tackle potential problems in advance.  Make your marriage one in which you two work through problems together in a healthy manner.